December 16

December 16, pinilit mo nanaman sarili mo. Bumunot ako ng isa sa mga papel na binigay mo.
Sakto, ang sabi, may focus daw ako. Ma-aachieve ko ang gusto kong marating.
Sobrang ironic, sa dami ng mga papel na binigay mo para mapabalik ako,
yun pang papel na lalong inencourage akong sundan mga pangarap ko.
Pilit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na kaya kita iwasan, na kahit anong pilit mo, di ako papatinag.
alam naman nating dalawa kasi, na hindi ka pwedeng nasa likod ko lang. Hindi ako ganoon. Alam mong sa lahat ng bagay, gusto ko katabi kita, hindi nasa harap, hindi nasa likod, katabi. Ang pagmamahal ay desisyon, mahal kita, pero pinili kong hindi ka na mahalin tulad ng dati. Alam naman natin na pag minahal kita, hindi titigil ang puso ko sa kakakulit sa utak ko na isipin kung kumain ka na ba, kung okay ka lang ba, kung malunkot ka ba, kung masaya ka ba, kung okay ka lang, kung safe ka. Tapos pati kung sino kasama mo, kung may umaagaw na ba sayo, kung may masaya ka ba sakin, kung kuntento ka. Alam kong hindi sayang ang mahalin ka, pero kung hindi ko naman mabibigay lahat ng kaya ko, lahat ng pwede kong magawa para sa'yo, lahat ng ako, bali wala rin ito. Sana kung nakuntento ka lang, kung di ka mapilit, kung kaya mo sarili mo, kung hindi mo hinihiling na samahan kita sa bawat mahirap na parte ng buhay mo. Isa lang naman narealize ko, kung gusto ko gumawa ng liham, ng novel, ng maikling kuwento, kailangan kong paghirapan. May mga kailangan akong tanggalin sa buhay ko. At kahit pigain ko utak ko, kailangan kong gawin kung gusto ko. Hindi ako manunulat, tao ako na nagsusulat, nangangarap na tawaging manunulat. Sa totoo hindi ko naman gustong makilala, gusto ko lang magkaroon ng sarili kong libro, kahit hindi ma publish. Hindi ko alam, kung saan saan na to napunta pero isa lang ang alam ko, kailangan kitang bitawan.  O kung hindi man, kailangan kong bitawan ang parte sakin na magpapaktanga sayo. Hindi ako perpekto, siguro nagkataon lang, hindi ko pa pala talaga alam kung pano magmahal ng buong buo. Hindi ko pa kayang tanggapin yung katotohanan, na kailangan ko mag antay ng suwerte oh maghintay na tumaas ang suweldo bago ako makapag simula. Kaya eto ako, gumagawa ng paraan para tuparin ang mga pangarap ko. Pumayag ako sa trip na gusto mo, isa lang to sa mga patunay na dapat nga kitang bitawan. Kahit binitawan na kita, lumabag parin ako sa mga rules na sinet ko sa sarili ko. 1. pipilitin ko pa magulang ko. 2. Gagastos ako ng mahigit 3k. kumbaga sa target ko, 1/10 ang ibabawas ko sa naipon ko. Sobrang labag nito sa loob ko. Pero dahil gusto kita, sasama ako. Kahit kelan walang nakapilit sakin, pag ayaw ko, ayaw ko. Pero may mga bagay na ayaw mo gawin, pero gusto mo naman talaga, matatawag mo ba yung napipilitan? Hay life, December 16.

Over

over

Hay

Eto ako, 

hindi makapagtrabaho,

kakaisip sayo.

May kailangan isulat,

pero ikaw ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

Ang hirap ng ganito,

Para sa’yo siya na ang huli,

Pero para sa kaniya,

Isa lang chapter ito ng buhay niya.

Bakit ba ko ganito?

Laging nag reretreat.

Pero sa oras na magretreat ako,

nag gigive ka naman.

Hindi ko na kaya to.

Pero ginusto ko to.

Tama nga bang binitawan kita?

Binitawan mo rin naman ako.

Hindi ka naman kuntento.

Siguro hindi talaga tama ang timing,

Pero kelan pa? Kaya mo ba?

Kaya ko ba?’

Minsan tumutulo nalang bigla,

Hindi ko talaga mapigilan.

Minsan kahit di naman ikaw iniisip ko,

Bigla nalang kumikirot ang puso ko.

Alam ko ikaw nanaman iniisip ng puso ko.

Pero tama na ang katangahan.

Madami ng napahamak sa pag-ibig.

Ikaw narin ang nag sabi na marami kang gusto.

This time, hindi ko hahayaan 

masira tayo ng pag-ibig.

Kung puwede lang,

pero hindi, kahit kelan hindi naman naging pwede.

Kaya siguro nanjan ka at nandito ako nagsusulat.

Kahit kelan hindi tayo magiging malaya.

Kinukulong ng situwasyon, ng pera, ng trabaho.

Siguro kinoconvince ko lang sarili ko na tama to,

Tama na hindi na kita makita.

Pero may tama ba na masakit?

May tama ba na araw-araw para kang tinutusok ng sinulid?

Anong tama sa mga luha?

Meron ba? 

Minsan, ang sarap nalang murahin ng mundo.

Minsang ang sarap nalang bugbugin ng mundo.

Pero wala naman akong magagawa,

Kaya maghihintay ako,

dahil nararamdaman kong di ko na kaya

magpasok pa ng ibang tao sa puso ko.

Mahal Kita

Ayoko marinig ang boses mo,
Ayoko masilayan ang mga mata mo.
Ayoko madikit sa balat mo,
Ayoko.

Bawat oras na lumilipas,
Ikaw ang naiisip ko.
Bawat bagay na nakikita,
Ikaw ang naaalala ko.
Malamigan o mainitan,
Yakap mo ang aking hinahanap.
Pag gising man o pagtulog,
Pumapasok ka sa aking isipan.
Onti-unting tumutulo,
mga luha na nagpapaalala sa'yo.

Pero ako'y sira, wasak at kulang.
Hindi ko maiibibigay sa'yo
Ang hinahanap ng iyong katawan.
Insecure, sa mga taong may mas maibibigay sa'yo.
Hindi ko pa nahahanap ang sarili ko.
Walang ipagmamalaki,
Walang katiyakan sa kabaitan
na pinipilit mong ibalik sa akin.

Wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sa'yo,
pinagsarahan kita ng pinto,
Hindi man lang kita pinagsalita.
Alam ko na sa oras na to,
hindi mo na ko kayang hintayin.
Pero ito yung totoo,
Ganito pa katagal ang dapat natin tiisin.

Hindi na ko umaasa,
Hindi na kita kukulitin pa.
Pero sa kahulihulihang pagkakataon,
Gusto ko lang sabihin,
Mahal Kita.

Sana hintayin mo ko,
Sana kaya kong ibalik ang dati,
Sana pagnabuo ko na ang sarili ko,
Andiyan ka na ulit sa aking tabi.
Sana. Makasarili ako.
Pero sana, sana, sana.
Hindi ko na kaya.

What kills you

What Kills Us

What kills us doesn't make us any stronger, and our work kills us. It devours every part of our body that dances. It murders our eyes that could see colors. It hacks our hands that could write. Work feeds in our adventurous spirit, turning us gray, black, dull and unsophisticated beings. We are humans turning to monsters slaved by our own powerlessness, cursed by limitations.

Every day, every week, every month, every year, it drains Art in us. Turning us in to zombies, moving only to find something to eat, working just to live. But for me, you are an entity that could restore my lost passion. But you can also direct it to other things that's why you are a dangerous creature. Your love may kill me. Eat my heart, but please, never my soul.

Ride

Ride

I rather ride a roller coaster of twists and turns
Rather than ride a carousel of cycle
I better take the risk and get hurt,
Rather than stay in my shell and avoid pain.
I will choose to feel alive.

(My quote was inspired from an entry in ThoughtCatalog, 
"Maybe You don't want a Relationship After All")

1000cries

http://1000criesforyou.blogspot.com/

You'll always be worth my tears.

AAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAA Thanks AAAAAAA thanks for making us realize things. Thanks for ruining us! ,,,,,,

The Loneliest Happy Birthday Monologue Script Ever

THE LONELIEST BIRTHDAY MONOLOGUE EVER.

Script: Happy Birthday!
Playwright: ColdFudge (attribute me and notify me if you are going to use this crappy work of mine)

Character:

Cho - 19 years old, single.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Titingin sa salamin. Mag-aayos ng damit, mag-aayos ng buhok, magpapagwapo.

Titingin sa cellphone.

Cho: 11pm na. (ngingiti)

Kukunin ang cake sa ref. Dahan dahan niya itong bibitbitin at ilalapag sa lamesa. Aayusin niya ang lamesa. Maglalagay ng mga plato, kandila, kutsara at tinidor. Makikitang excited na excited si Cho sa kaniyang mukha. 

Titingin ulit sa cellphone.

Kukuha ng sulat si Cho. Malakas niya itong babasahin.

Cho: Surprise! Happy birthday! Nagulat ka no. Di mo inakalang may naka-alala ng birthday mo. Para to sa taong pinaka mamahal ko. Para to sa'yo. Makakalimutan ba naman kita? Lagi mo kaya akong inaalagaan. Ikaw lang yung nagmamalasakit sakin. Naalala mo nung minsan, nagkaroon tayo ng retreat? Breakfast na tapos walang nakaalala sakin, nilaglag pa nila yung alarm clock sa tabi ko, pero ikaw, pinilit mo akong gisingin. Ayun, nakakain ako kahit kanin nalang at sabaw yung natira atleast nakakain ako. Kaya ito, para sa espesyal na araw mo, para sa nagiisang..

Tutunog ang alarm sa cellphone, 12am na. 

Magmamadaling papatayin ni Cho ang ilaw, tanging ilaw lang ng cellphone ang makikita. Sisindihan ni Cho ang Cake. Bubuhatin niya ang Cake dahan dahan, tatayo na parang may hinihintay. Bigla siyang kakanta ng happy birthday habang papalapit sa salamin.

Cho: Surprise! Happy birthday! Nagulat ka no. Hindi mo inakalang may naka-alala ng birthday mo. Para to sa'yo. Ikaw lang yung nagmamahal sakin. Kaya ito... para sa espesyal na araw mo, para sa nagiisang taong naka alala ng birthday ko, Happy birthday Cho.

Telon!

-_- Crappy work, reading it again makes me sick. But gonna post it anyway. :p

Writer

I finally became a writer. My first month was a blast! Now all I have to do is put up my own business. How hard can it be? I'm going to reach my goals. This is my vow. Together, we'll put up some shitty business. yeah.

Wisdom

A stupid person laughs with the world,
because he doesn't have any idea how harsh the world is.

A wise person mourns, because he knows how the world runs.

But the wisest laughs the hardest,
because he knows he can't do anything about it.

So always smile.

Just feeling low

This stupid feeling is eating me. WTF. Am I this weak? Am I not trusting God from the very beginning? Then why do I worry so much? My destiny is something I imagined. I will continue to believe on that for now. It's just the start. I will have my own chance. Chance is all I need.

Crap feelings

Crap Feelings

Opening eyes at the dawn of day,
glancing at the clock and taking a deep breathe.
You scratch an eye or two,
you never know what's coming in your way.

Turning over to reach for a pillow,
choking it till its softness dissipates in your own hands
and closing your sight again.

Nothing has change,
the crappy bed and the soft pillow,
the loud mouth and the cold air,
they still surround the place.

The stench of a dead body,
The lie of the clock
that sounded tick tock,
The evidence that stinks.

The emotions that pop out,
Puzzle pieces are crap,
we never get to know them.
like feelings, they are crap.

The moment it sounded again,
Is the moment you die again,

Change

Change is inevitable. Find someone who won't change regardless of what. Finding the impossible.

Lately

Lately it's only you I've been talking to. I don't know why, but it seems that I don't have the will to talk to anyone else but you. Talk I mean real talk. Well of course I talk with my family, but for a month or two, or three. You're the only one I've been talking to. Only you. I know it's not a good thing. Well, I'm happy whatever state we're in.

Work is such a frightening event in once life. Many want it, wanted it, I suppose. I don't know how will we cope up with work. I really don't know. 

Impervious

IMPERVIOUS

You who knows me
must have already realize that you 
will always have this grip on me,
The day I laid my eyes on your soul,
my heart was already at your disposal.

It was never complete to begin with,
hearts are fragile pieces,
easy to break and easy to crush.
So don't you say that you are the only one who's broken,
the one before you never returned anything when she left,
The smiles, laughs and even life was taken and left to die.

But people are not made to remain zombies,
souls die but they born anew.
People have dreams and 
ambitions to keep their hearts burning,
to bear a new soul, one that is capable of doing anything again.

You who knows me,
must have already realize,
that the one you have now is real.
He was made to withstand any pain,
to let it in,
to let the abyss take its place,
let the heart be devoured,
and to let the body shatter with fear,
Because only when the heart vanishes completely,
can it bear anew.

Know that he is not afraid to lose you,
not because he does not jolt with pain every-time you fight,
His body feels like tearing apart
every time he thinks he will lose the one that knows him well.

He is not afraid,
His heart was already torn apart, 
shredded to pieces,
trampled, wasted.

So this time,
Just this time, he will not hold back.
Till his heart shuts down on its own,
till his body drops dead,
he will not stop. 
Even if it feels like he is just being led to a cliff.
He will jump, He will not stop.
Because from the moment his eyes saw your soul,
He realized that his heart was already yours to begin with.

Kayo

"Kayo"

Sabi nila, hindi daw tatagal ang isang relasyon na malabo,

Sabi nila, naglolokohan lang ang dalawang taong walang commitment sa isa't isa,

at sabi pa nila, lagi mo daw mararamdaman ang pagkakulang 

dahil sa araw araw na wala ang salitang "kayo" para pagbuklurin ang kayo,

naguusap man o hindi, malapit man o malayo.

...

Makapangyarihan ang mga salita,

Puwede rin mapanlinlang,

Pero sa lahat ng salita, ang salitang "Kayo"

Ang isa sa pinakamakapangyarihan.

Isang salita lang,

puwede mong mapalayas ang isang tao na sunod ng sunod sayo,

Isang salita lang, puwede kang makaramdam ng pagmamahal,

isang salita lang, may nabubuo nang lubid na nagtatali sainyong dalawa.

Isang salita lang, maaari mo nang maalala lahat ng kasiyahan at hirap na pinagdaanan,

isang salita lang, mapapaasa ka na sa patutunguhan niyo sa hinaharap.

...

Pero kahit wala ang salitang "kayo" sa ating dalawa,

kahit lahat ng bagay hindi sigurado,

araw araw na nangangamba,

araw araw na natatakot,

nilalakasan parin ang loob.

wala mang salitang "kayo" sa atin,

Meron namang "ako", ako na mamahalin ka,

ako na hihintayin ka hanggang sa dulo,

ako na siguradong sa'yo ako,

hanggang hindi pa nagmamahalan ang aso't pusa,

hanggang may pag-asa pa sa humanity,

hanggang di pa bumababa ang mga aliens sa planet earth,

hanggang may mga lapis pa at ballpen,

Sa'yo ako, hanggang hindi ka pa nagmamahal ng iba.

Drug

"Food as my liquor,
Sweets as my drugs,

Happiness is natural,
when it's not mutual,
it will never work.

All can love,
Some are happy naturally,
Some needs to be stimulated all the time.

When one is asking for more in your worst state,
It will never be enough even in your best  state,
and they don't deserve it anyway,
 because it will always lack."

I want you and  I need you. Bakit ba hindi ka nalang naging normal na babae. Bakit ba hindi ka nalang naging katulad ng iba. Bakit ba nagkapuso ka ng parang pang lalaki. Bakit. Ikaw ang gusto ko. Sobrang gusto kita. Sobrang Mahal kita. Hindi mo na kinakaya, pero mas hindi ko kinakaya. Bakit ba hindi nalang ako naging tulad ng iba, na ipaglalaban nila kasi doon sila masaya. Pero ako hindi. Iniisip ko lagi ang future. Alam ko na hindi lagi magiging masaya, na mas mahalaga na masaya ka lang ng natural. Na parang hangin. Na hindi mo kailangan hingiin. Pero sigurado ka na anjan lang siya. Kinukulang man sa hangin minsan, Pero alam mong di kasalanan ng hangin, alam mo lang na dapat huminga ka lang ng mas malalim. Dahil kung hindi, mamamatay ka. At yun na ang nangyayari sakin, namamatay nanaman buong katawan, isip at puso ko. Namamatay nanaman. Lahat ng ngiti at iyak natutuyo nanaman. Lahat lahat nawawala nanaman. Buti nalang nabubuhay ulit ito. Ayoko nang umasa na mabuhay ulit. Ayoko mamatay. Ayoko mamatay sa pagkakataong ito. Pero mas takot ako na mamatay sa hinaharap. Na mamatay at hindi na mabuhay. Natatakot ako na magpatayan lang tayo sa huli, kahit alam ko na sa hinaharap na gagawin ko lahat para di tayo mamatay, pero alam kong wala akong magagawa kung gusto mo akong patayin. SOBRANG WALANG KWENTA LANG TALAGA NG MUNDO.

Boring relationships

What does it mean to be boring?

Have you ever been in a boring relationship?

I hope my blog is well-known and someone could answer me directly. Answer me with experiences and not just plain talks. 

I never wanted to be the first, I just wanted to be your last. But things won't always go in my way. The first always fail. And it will always fail til people realize what they really want.

REALITY STINKS

Walang makakaalam kung gaano ako kasaya na maging sa'yo,

Sa maikling panahon sinubukan kong maging "lahat" mo.

Sa bawat oras na magkasama tayo, ikaw lang ang nakikita ko.

Kahit sa pagpikit ng mga mata ko, imahe mo ang naiisip ko.

Hindi ko na kailangan ng mga salita para sumaya ako,

hindi ko na gusto hingiin ang oras mo para maging maligaya ako,

Okay na ko sa kakaunting oras na meron tayo.

Sana mayroon akong pakpak para dalin ka sa iba't ibang lugar,

Kung ikaw nalang sana ang north magnetic pole ko at ako ang south mo,

Sana isang makapal na libro nalang ako,

O isang internet, Pwede narin sana kung pagkain ako.

Pero...

Sa kabila ng lahat ng saya laging may kalunkutan,

Sa kabila nang paghahangad maging "Lahat" mo,

sa totoong buhay isang role lang ang pwede kong gampanan,

sa bawat oras na ikaw lang ang nakikita ko,

maaaring hindi na kita napakikinggan o hindi ako ang nakikita mo,

at sa bawat pagpikit mo, kadiliman parin ang mumulat sayo.

Hindi ko na kailangan ng salita, pero malamang sa malamang kailangan mo ng salita,

malamang sa malamang, kailangan natin ng oras,

at sa totoong buhay, hindi lahat puwede natin ankinin,

Wala akong pakpak, hanggang sa lupa lang kita puwedeng dalhin,

at walang magnet ang mga tao, sadyang pinaglalaruan lang tayo ng tadhana,

At kung iisipin, wala pa siguro sa 1000 pages kung magiging isang libro ako.

Sa totoong buhay, hindi ko magagawa lahat,

Hindi ko kaya maging forever sa'yo,

hanggang f-o-r-e lang ako,

nakasalalay parin sa'yo ang huling tatlong letra kung magkakaroon ng salitang forever.

At sa totoong buhay ang love, hindi mo makikita,

hindi mo masisiguro, hindi mo masasabi,

nakabitin sa hangin, nakabitin sa bangin,

magkatabi man kayo, o malayo, anjan parin ang love,

mapanlinlang. 

Parang hangin, hindi nakikita pero nanjan at buhay.

Nasa tao nalang kung panghahawakan nila ang love.

Hindi puwedeng 1-way, dapat 2-way. Maniniwala ako, maniniwala ka.

Kung ang tao mapupunta sa mars, kailangan niyang paniwalaan na hindi lason ang hangin na hihingahin niya,

dahil kahit hindi lason ang hihingahin niya, kung di siya hihinga, mamamatay siya.

Ganun ang buhay, maikli lang. At ang mga bagay na andito ay mas maikli pa.

kaya pinagtatawanan lang ng mga planeta ang "forever" ng mga tao, dahil para sa kanila,

100 ikot lang sa araw ang forever ng tao. Buti hindi nagsasawa ang mga planeta umikot lang ng umikot.

Locks

Locks are made to hold down bad people and not lock down their potential.

This is getting irritating. The more I think that I'm locked in this house (and even in my own house I'm being tied down) I'm getting irritated.

how can I achieve all the things I dreamed? This is so depressing. Do I have to wait for my chance and keep waiting? but if I keep waiting will all the things that were prepared to me will be lost? this is so damn frustrating.

Obedience is such a hard value. To what extent.. to what extent. damn.

10 days

10 days have passed, I still can't believe it. The thing I hate the most was blamed on me. So fvcking planet earth. If I was her I would have freaked out and would not talk to me anymore. I've looked through my messages and I know that somehow I can't explain all those words, only the things running on my mind back then, and it will never be proven. But I swear to God that I have no real intentions on meeting them and have a short pleasure that I will regret in the future. All for lust, it was all blamed on me. I could never erase that part of me, but that will never happen again. I still can't believe it. In my mind I always accuse people of having no loyalty and they will soon cheat in the future, but here I am now, accused of  being someone like that, I know I didn't. But now I remember a quote, "Don't tame a cat, it will soon become a tiger". I know in myself that I would never cheat, but better be more careful. As the saying goes "Don't give the devil a foothold".

Grown ups

I despise myself right now. I hate it, I hate this feeling. Remember this world, I will reach the heights of my dreams, I will be successful, I will be what I wanted to be, just give me a job and my end thereof is business, don't care if my college knowledge and attainment is not enough, I will still be successful. I will never be contented until there's a chance I can improve. 

No chains will bind me, no bed will attract me and no games will fool me. I will conquer the heights of my dreams. But.. only love can destroy that dream. If God doesn't want it then I have no choice but to give up the chase for greatness. Or if it means losing her more than what we have now, then I rather lose this dream of mine. So ambitious, yet I won't rush, step by step, I can finish it. A week will not pass without any productivity. this is my vow as a Grown Up Man. GUM. a gum that lasts, may it be tasteless, but it will never disappear. This white fire of mine. 

Surprised

For the girl that I can't bring myself to hate...

Surprised that it would be an issue that would make her want me to stop. I know that what I did was wrong. But I always thought what I did was only for lust, and not something that would affect any relationship. Those who were involve, they were not real person, I can't even call them persons, except for the FEU girl who I thought that we'll share something in common.

Now I can take a deep breath. Those bad activities always hunted me. I was always regretful. I knew that I planted a bad seed and it will strike me at any moment. I thought I already passed the judgement in those wrong doings, only to find out that I harvested all the rotten seeds just today. And it turned out that it strike someone that I don't want to lose. Someone whom I can't bring myself to hate. I can't even say sorry to her, because I know that I have sinned against God and not to her. But it's so weird that she thinks I'm not being honest to her. But then, she has a point because it is still a video. There can be emotions involve and all, but still, it's kinda weird. I don't know why, but I guess I'm all over with that kind of evil activities that's why I can't shed any emotions in what I did in the past. I already said my confessions and I know I regretted it fully. I already did. That's why it's all up to her, if she could accept it or not.

My view on You

Words may not tell it, as "love" is written by others as well as you say it even just to your friends. Actions may lie, because it could be done by anyone else. Only the totality of one's action and words and intentions could "love" be identified as such.

Wind

It's easy to be swept away by the wind,
But the air is what we needed the most.
It's easy to be burned by a fire,
but the warmth is what we needed the most.

We desire for greater things
that we often forget that
what make us happy has been and has always been there.

Desert birds -Paulo Coelho

Love without ownership.

Maybe that is what love should be, but must not always be. 

Love doesn't own people, people let love own them. 

We do not own people, and we are not owned by anyone, it's just some point in our lives, we let them own us. -dronebot

Like the air, free and wild.

Yet we are just mere people, hoping to fulfill our personal legend.

But then we spill the oil that is within our grasp, awed by the marvel of the things around,

yet some were trapped in their own baggage, forgetting to look beyond the ordinary. 

Ok gonna continue reading...

FAREWELL

Natapos na ang graduation, pero parang di parin dahil di pa nagtatapos doon ang college life ko. Halos kalahati ng oras ko nung college eh kinuha ng Artistang Artlets. Pero ngayon, ngayong araw na to, dito na magtatapos lahat dahil farewell party na ng AA. Sa dami kong pinagdaanan, sa sa mga sakit, saya, tuwa, tagumpay, pagkatalo at sa halos na parang naging patay ako dahil sa isang failed subject, hindi ko lahat yun makakalimutan pero sa dami nang naranasan ko sa college life ko, naisip ko na ganun din naman kadami naranasan ko nung highschool ako. Hindi sila pwede pagkumparahin. Sabi nila mas masaya daw ang Highschool, pero siguro dahil sa AA kaya parang naging parehas lang. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pag graduation madaming umiiyak, nalulunkot, nagpapapicture ng madami na parang may iiwan sila na ayaw nilang iwan. Siguro intinding intindi ko sila pero nakaugalian ko lang na laging mag move forward. Laging mag advance, kasi siguro kung di ako ganoon, siguro isa na ako sa mga tumutulo ang luha dahil sa pag-iwan sa college life. Siguro kung wala akong lakas ng loob na mag move forward, andun parin ako at umiiyak dahil sa nakaraan ko. siguro, hindi ko lang hinahayaan na magkaroon ako ng butas na pagsisihan lahat nang naging desisyon ko, kasi alam ko na lahat ng ito, ay may patutunguhan para sa mas maganda kong kinabukasan. Pero ngayon, ito na talaga ang simula ng kinabukasan ko, ang resulta ng lahat ng nangyari sa nakaraan ko, kung paano ko haharapin ang bawat problema ay dahil iyon sa nakaraan ko, at sigurado ako na sapat na ang nadaanan ko nakaraan, para pumili ako ngayon ng mga desisyon na ikakatagumpay ko. Siguro, Sana. Farewell Past...

Louder, Laude...

It was quite painful to see and hear students being called as cum laude and all. I used to be on that stage. Even when I was in high school and chose not to excel in academics, I was awarded for making in the top finalist in the NCR. But yesterday, I was just waiting for an illusion. Nothing came up. And I knew, I was truly sad.

It was louder than any sound, being called cum laude and parents giving the medal to their child. But I guess pain starts to numb after some time. After all, it was only yesterday that I felt I was nothing special. I was just like everybody else. Now I have yet again to prove myself. To regain the confidence I have in myself. It's not called "failing" if ever I do not achieve something or got the first prize. Until I don't quit, it's not failing.

Trapped

Here I am again, back to the cage where I belong. Trapped and alone. Well, it didn't bothered me anyway... (sing "the cold never bothered me anyway) Well, it was always meant this way. After graduation, I'll be caged again. It's like I was temporarily sent to a training program on how to live outside. Then, after the training session, I'll be sent back to the cage. Well, the cage is always safe. But I hope, they are not locking it as they used to.

I just don't want anyone to join me in my trapped state and I'm sure no one would be happy in sharing my burden with them. We all live alone.

I hated the things they hate, and even without them, I'll still hate it. That's why I don't see the reason why they are trapping me. Their eyes will always be there. It's so unfair. I can't even plan my own life because of this cage. I should be working out in the morning, reading some stuff in the afternoon and going for an adventure in the evening. But all of this can't be done. Life is so unfair. If you don't accept the circumstances life has given to you, the whole earth will try to arrest you and take away all the respect you have in yourself.

Cruel life. I can't wait for the day I'll be truly independent. But it scares me. Because my brother is still living in our house. Maybe they'll expect me to do the same. Hay life.

To do the things you like you must fight for it. you must wage war. But isn't in a war, no one wins? even there is a victor, no one really wins. That's why after fighting for the things you love, after it, you will just get the trophy but you will never become a winner. Reality stinks. Better off dreaming. Gonna drown this in sleep. Zzz.

Normal again..

I just wanted her to stay.
Everyday is a gift, because another day is not an assurance. And each day one will stay, is truly a gift.
But I desired for more, I wanted to have her word of assurance that she'll stay. I must be a fool. Time flies, it's already 3am. this is bad. hais. getting dizzy. I need rice.

I cant sleep! FVCK!

TORMENTS, AGAIN AND AGAIN. BEEN BLOCKING MY MIND FOR THIS TWO DAYS BUT I CAN'T ANYMORE! SOMEONE STOP ME FROM THIS MADNESS I'M INTO. IS IT BECAUSE I'M A GUY THAT ALL MY DAMN LITTLE DEMANDS ON LOVE SHOULD BE NEGLECTED? THAT ALL MY NEEDS TO BE HEARD IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE NEEDS OF OTHERS TO BE HEARD? FVCK SOCIETY. FVCK ALL THE NOTION OF UNEQUALITY. FVCK EVERY SELFISH BITC* WHO JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED AND GIVE NOTHING IN RETURN. FVCK THOSE WHO ALWAYS JUDGE YOU. EVERY MINUTE. FCK THEM. FCK THIS SURREAL FEELINGS. FVCK EVERY FAKE FEELINGS. FVCK PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE CAREFUL IN LOVE. FVCK THOSE WHO HURT OTHERS THAT MADE THEM WORSE. FVCK THEM. THIS IS ALL MY HATE FVCK LIFE.

Sobs

It's raining tears. Fvc. The last one I'll ever love truly. One thing I've learned in life. If it is, it will be. Love will remain the same way if it is true. And I really feel that the way I love her will always be the same. It will always hope for her love in return, I'll always love her craziness. That's why I need to do this. (convincing myself -_- hais) I just hate it that we'll grow apart from now on. But we'll grow, better.
The End.

Hais, so this is how 'The End' looks like. to her it will soon be, but to me it will never be til she finds her One. This is really frustrating. gonna focus on work and play. damn it.

Chocolates

March 13,

The first day I have proven that chocolate are really an anti-depressant food. For days to come. Let's chocolate food hunt.

Graduation getting near

GRADUATION!

Feeling obnoxious..Graduation. Hope I graduate on time.

Fear. I don't know why but for the first time, I'm afraid of letting go. It's like letting go another part of you that you know it will never come back. I don't know yet what will I lose. But I know for sure, I will lose something in graduation. Memories, friends, lifestyle, etc. I don't know. But it's really weird that for the first time I don't want to move on. But I know if I will get stuck into something for now, I will never be what I wanted to be. I fear that I won't be able to grow anymore if I don't accept things like I used to. Fear. I fear, that finding work will be hard. I fear that all I've learned in college is not enough. I fear that they won't see how willing I am to learn and I fear that no one will ever know the real me.

Life Awaits.
Why do I feel it's too soon? I hope my everything is willing to adapt in the new environment I'm going to be. I'm excited. I know life is full of surprises, and some surprises are not what we hope to be. I'm not really scared, sometimes, it's just good to evaluate ourselves and look how we mold ourselves to become better. You'll be surprise that sometimes, you forget things that will make you better because forgetting them means getting stronger in the eyes of many and in your own eyess.

Now I know.

Now I know, it's not jealousy, it's just sadness. a slight punch in the stomach and a drought in my eyes. Maybe I'm just vulnerable to sadness when it comes to the person I like so much. Maybe that's why I build walls that no one can reach except for persons I'm willing to open my door for, maybe. I don't know. I just don't want anybody. It's not jealousy. Jealousy is when you want a person and you want that person to want you/like you/love you the way you do. I don't want that. I'm just affected. I don't care if they will love me back. I don't care if people will like me too. I really don't care. I will just love them and treat them the way I can and the way I want to. I'll be happy if they treat me the same, I'll be sad if they don't. But I will still continue to love and like them the way I want to. Until I can no more, until I'm not wasting my time, and until I know that my feelings are making them a better person. If they don't care, it's alright. But if they really don't need it, then that's the time to stop. Just reflecting again. These unique feelings are worth remembering for. When I grow up, I won't forget this silly feelings. I'll always feel, always love. It is what keeps me alive. For myself. Until I became rich! wahaha. hope to read this in the future and laugh saying, oh, I got rich and haven't loss the way I am right now. I'm gonna do a business. Gonna get business partners from my friends of before. haha. so much for Hope.

Hope but do not expect.
Hope is from the heart,
expectation is from the mind.

longing

:( I don't know why I'm so sad. hais.

Rebel or not? LoveNot

Today I feel so rebellious yet Not. It is a good feeling to stay late at night, til morning yet doing nothing wrong. yeah.

A good scare

A good scare in the heart. After I've learned that someone deer (dear) to me already knew this blog, I just can't write anything to it. It's like me being conscious in a peeping hole. (haha) it will pass.

February 10, 2014

Too many firsts..I enjoyed it so much.. it's quite refreshing..Missing her already..asleep..Room

This day was a blast. Our friendship wasn't a bliss. It started slow, yet each moment, each trial, each trip was definitely fun. How much more if we can afford to go to really exciting places? I hope that day comes.

Hoping that reality will continue and I wasn't just sucked in to a delusion. Hoping for days to come, yet not expecting.

-February 10,2014 (a memorable day of my life)

Another trip

Excited for another trip :) But it's quite early -_-

I said no.

I already said No, I don't know why, they are not hearing me out. -_- hais.

The heart is deceitful above all.

THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL

Do not trust your heart completely. Believing that you love someone so much, doesn't mean that your heart will not fall to anyone except that person. This is a common misunderstanding between couples. They thought that they love their partner so much that they don't care if they get too close to their friends, or strangers. And they end up falling in love with another person, and their relationship starts to crumble, and there you go, a broken relationship.

I'm posting this because of wide-spread stories about couples who broke up because of the presence of a third-party. And they come out being helplessly in love, and saying that there's no one to blame, and sometimes even blaming up the other one who didn't do any mistake at all.

This one came from the Bible. Do not let your heart be deceive. Even if we know we love God so much, that doesn't mean that we will be able to follow him completely. We must guard our hearts so that we will always love God.

I Touch

I TOUCH

I touched her, I touched her face. I caressed her hair. I Felt her skin with her hair on her arms touching mine. I touched her.. It was not lust at all, it was Love. Four-letter word that will describe everything every time I touch her. It is a desire. But not the sort of lust. I touch.

Stain

Stain

Stained, the consequence. I don't need to prove anything to her mom. I'm me. And that's it. I like her mom, and I'm not wondering why her mom ......... me. Hais, X_X A bit saddening. Wake me after this is over. Need to read again..

Way Out

Way Out

To forget, to leave, to be better,

The only way out from a disaster.

To let go of something I didn't want to go,

To let go of the chance I always had,

Lightning that stroke twice,

A chance that came a million times,

yet I never grabbed.

To trust forever, to love forever,

something that everyone must not remember.

Coz human trust is evil,

Human love is not love at all,

It can be lost, it grips, and sometimes it hates,

Erased

Something you hold dear,

a status you don't want to erase,

yet a new love replaces it,

A pinch in the heart,

a slight step back,

yet if love wasn't strong enough,

best won't come out from my mouth,

This is how much I love you,

to be able to erase that status I once hold dear. 

Your only way

Way Out

If it's your only way out then let it be,
Then don't try to stop it, do it and enjoy it.
I'll even join you enjoying the pain it brings,
a scorching feeling yet a subtle way of relaxing and soothing feeling.

If it's your only way out..
The tears that drop,
No one could wipe it away, not for forever,
Not even yourself can stop it from falling,

If it's a way out to feel loved,
to remember the good times,
to calm them\ mind, soul and heart,
if it's the only way out.

Toinks

Agony of Death

I'll never abandon my heart,
never will I forget my youth,
I'll always be a man mature enough to face troubles,
I'll always be a boy who silly falls in love and hears his heart the most,

never will I rely on intellect alone,
never will I be so confident in the aspect of love,
never will I trust people,

Always doubt,
Always feel,
Always love...

A man and a boy falls in a woman and a girl.

I'll never forget how to become a child, If ever I will forget,
I will forget how to love.

Je T'aime toujours

Je T'aime toujours

Alam ko na dapat hindi tumatalon ang puso ko sa tuwa, pero bat ako kinikilig at natutuwa. Hahaha, mag fofour 4am na pero nagising ang buo kong dugo. je T'aime toujours! >.< petty. Pero siguro masaya lang ako, kahit for friends pa meaning nun or kung ano man masaya ako. :') Wala naman magbabago pero masaya lang ako. wefwefqqrfeq

"beat"

Love

Love

I love her.

This day I felt a little bit strange... Love is devouring me completely again. The brain started to contradict the heart. The me that doesn't want to be hurt, the me that doesn't want to be a zombie, the me that is full of fear, the me that has doubts to its own race, the me that tells me that an intruder is again taking my heart, taking my soul, taking me completely and I'm completely helpless.

But this time it's different. It is shouting, run away from it, coz the brain knows that the heart will always long for this one, that the heart won't stop loving this one, that the heart will give more than it can give til it breaks down, and the heart will try to fix itself just to give more again to this one. But the brain will let the heart coz the brain knows that the heart knows that foolishness must be avoided. That it mustn't always give because in the end, the one who gives without thinking will always lose. 

I love her.

A night  full of bright stars,

A day filled with light from the sun,

But the chain forbids,

The cage locks,

And the man stops from reality,

And tries to dream.

dqqwdvwergwewqwd

Easy as 1,2,3

EASY

If only things were easy as a,b,c. Then everything would go as I would want it to be. If only life was not that complicated, Love as is. If only the Heart can be seen, and the mind can see the road it crosses. Then there would be no broken hearts lying on the street.

How can someone love without knowing if the Love poured is not wasted? If the love shared is needed. There's no point in giving a million bucks to a rich man who has more than enough. Same goes with love, there's no point in giving it to someone who doesn't need love. But who does not need love? everyone needs it. But then a rich man needs something too. But not money for sure. Just like in love, everyone needs it but not from everybody, only from few. 

I would stay forever if only it was as easy as 1,2,3. If only love was not complicated as it is for me.

If only I could ask her how she feels everyday, if only I could ask her "how was her day?" everyday and not bore her or irritate her. If only routines do not bore her. But it does, and the things she thinks she wants won't turn out to be the things she would hate. But I do not know that yet. I want to love her even if it irritates her. But I know how it feels to love without the love of it being not needed. just like the love of my mom. I do not need most of it, and it irritates me and I could only wish that she loves me less and that would mean to me that she loves me more, more than the love she is showing me right now. hays, If only love is easy.

Especially to the people who has many doubts, they'll wake up someday and will think that they do not love the person they thought they love. The foolishness of the heart will cause love to suffer. So many to think about, but one thing's for sure, love with doubts will never work out for me, that's why I have to continue even if the future isn't so clear. Even if pain and suffering is what I can see. I can take it, as long as the pain that is within her will lessen. That's it my problem no. 2. >.<